One Real Thing

Yikes!  This one feels vulnerable.  Here we go.  There was a time a while back when I felt like everything in my life was changing out of my control and I was grasping for anything to make me feel stable and secure.  I wanted a promise that things would stop changing.  But as it goes, anything I was holding onto kept being taken away. 

I was looking for people.  I wanted people to make everything okay.  I wanted people to stick around so I didn’t have to face the fear of loneliness.  I wanted people to fill my time and my mind so I didn’t have to sit face to face with God, tell Him “this blows,” and then trust Him.  I knew better, but I didn’t care.  I was running from God because I didn’t trust His plan.  Simple.

One night I finally decided to pray.  I had this image/vision of wandering in a field that was grown so dense and high that I couldn’t see even a few feet in front of me.  I had that desperate feeling that I’d been fighting for the past few months while I frantically ran through the field trying to find people, anyone, to make me feel okay and not alone.  Even though I was searching for people, I intuitively knew nobody was there.  I was completely on my own.  But in the middle of that frantic search I sensed the heavy and real presence of God right in front of me.  It was thick and I knew exactly where It was.  I had the choice to walk towards It or keep looking for people in vain. 

I stayed stubborn. 

I felt the presence of God so vividly in that moment and then I walked in the other direction.

But God stayed present.  He was gracious.  He had given me a vision to wrestle with and it gave me perspective.  It was heavy on my mind and it stayed vivid.  I don’t really remember how long it took me to finally walk in the direction of God, but I did.  And now I’m grateful for this image.  It holds a lot of power for me.  I know I'll find myself in that position over and over in life.  I’m human and I run when things are tough.  But God has chosen me and I know His presence will never leave that field.  He won’t stop pursuing me.  

My hope is that anyone reading this can remember the image and rest in the security of God’s presence -- A presence that is heavy and undeniable;  A presence that is  unchanged by our stubbornness.

-A